Why Your Nervous System Doesn’t Know the Difference — and Why You Need To
If you’re a high-achieving woman in a demanding career, you’re probably no stranger to stress. You’ve trained your mind to perform under pressure, to stay composed when things feel urgent, and to make quick, calculated decisions.
But over time, many ambitious women begin to confuse high stress with high stakes — as if the level of anxiety in their body accurately reflects the importance of the situation. It doesn’t.
Not everything that feels urgent is important. Not everything that feels high stakes actually is. Yet when your nervous system can’t tell the difference, it keeps you trapped in chronic overdrive — even when the real danger has passed.
The Biology Behind the Confusion
Stress is a physiological event: your body mobilizes energy to handle threat, challenge, or change. But when stress becomes constant, your nervous system stops differentiating between temporary intensity and permanent instability.
According to stress researcher Robert Sapolsky (2004), chronic activation of the stress response system — the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis — blurs your brain’s ability to discern true threat from routine pressure. In other words, your body treats every deadline like a disaster.
This is why high-functioning women can feel perpetually “on” — even when the stakes are minor. The body has learned to equate stimulation with safety.
High Stress: The Internal Overdrive
High stress is about your internal state:
- A flood of cortisol and adrenaline that keeps your heart rate elevated.
- Cognitive hyperfocus that narrows your perception.
- A felt sense of “if I slow down, something bad will happen.”
It’s a biochemical alarm system, often shaped by early experiences of needing to stay vigilant to maintain stability or approval.
In adulthood, this can look like:
- Overworking long after the crisis is over.
- Reading tension in every tone or email.
- Feeling unsafe when things are calm.
High stress feels productive because it’s familiar. But it’s a stress loop — not a performance enhancer.
High Stakes: The Context That Actually Matters
High stakes, on the other hand, are external. They’re tied to real consequences: an argument that could end a partnership, a decision that affects a company, a medical emergency. High-stakes moments require composure, clarity, and discernment — not panic.
The difference is proportionality. When you respond to everything as if it’s high stakes, you lose the ability to prioritize. Your body doesn’t distinguish between a looming deadline and a life-threatening event, so it treats both as emergencies. Over time, this dysregulation leads to burnout, anxiety, and decision fatigue (McEwen, 2007).
Why High-Achieving Women Are Especially Susceptible
1. Early Conditioning for Hyper-Responsibility
If you were praised for being mature, dependable, or self-sufficient, your nervous system learned that vigilance equals virtue. You internalized stress as a sign of engagement.
2. Workplace Reward Systems
Professional cultures often reward urgency and self-sacrifice. The more stressed you look, the more dedicated you appear. Over time, you conflate exhaustion with importance.
3. Internalized Gender Pressure
Women in leadership are often expected to remain calm and emotionally attuned — balancing empathy with decisiveness. The result is a double bind that demands perfection under pressure, fueling chronic physiological tension (Eagly & Karau, 2002).
4. Emotional Intelligence Turned Inward
You’re so attuned to managing others’ emotions that you stop monitoring your own. You feel responsible for keeping everyone else regulated, which prevents you from recognizing when your own system is overloaded.
How to Tell Which One You’re In
| Question | High Stress | High Stakes |
| Source | Internal pressure | External consequence |
| Sensation | Urgent, repetitive, consuming | Focused, mobilizing, finite |
| Emotional Tone | Anxiety, dread, fatigue | Presence, clarity, intensity |
| Duration | Chronic, cyclical | Temporary, situational |
| Outcome | Burnout, reactivity | Growth, resilience |
If every week feels like crisis mode, it’s not because your job is inherently high stakes — it’s because your body hasn’t been given permission to stand down.
Recalibrating Your System
1. Separate Urgency From Importance
Before reacting, ask: Is this high stress or high stakes?
Write down the actual consequence if this goes poorly. The pause reactivates the prefrontal cortex — the rational part of the brain that stress temporarily hijacks.
2. Redefine What Calm Means
Calm isn’t complacency; it’s clarity. You can lead powerfully without living in perpetual activation.
3. Use the Body as Data
If your shoulders are tense, your jaw is clenched, or your breath is shallow, you’re likely in stress, not stakes. Awareness lets you intervene before exhaustion sets in.
4. Normalize Recovery as Leadership
High-stakes professionals need nervous systems that can return to baseline. Rest isn’t a break from productivity — it’s part of sustaining it.
5. Seek Support That Matches Your Level
Therapy for high-achieving women isn’t about teaching basic coping skills — it’s about retraining your nervous system to trust calm and differentiate intensity from importance.
Closing Thoughts
High stress is your body’s alarm system. High stakes are the reality you’re facing. When those two become indistinguishable, everything feels catastrophic — and your leadership suffers for it.
Learning to tell the difference isn’t about caring less; it’s about responding with precision. The goal isn’t to eliminate stress but to reserve your energy for what truly matters.
If you’ve spent years operating like everything depends on you, therapy can help you retrain your system to recognize safety again. Ready to stop mistaking pressure for purpose? Book your first session today, and let’s redefine what composure looks like in a high-stakes life.
Book your appointment here
Works Cited
Eagly, A. H., & Karau, S. J. (2002). Role congruity theory of prejudice toward female leaders. Psychological Review, 109(3), 573–598. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.109.3.573
McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873–904. https://doi.org/10.1152/physrev.00041.2006
Sapolsky, R. M. (2004). Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping. New York: W. H. Freeman.
Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: Recent research and its implications. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103–111. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20311
