When Excellence Becomes Exhaustion
You take pride in doing things well. You’ve built a reputation for reliability, precision, and excellence. But lately, the effort feels heavier—less energizing, more consuming. You can’t tell if you’re motivated by mastery or by fear of making a mistake.
This is the fine line between competence and perfectionism: one nourishes confidence, the other quietly erodes it. Competence says, “I trust myself to handle what comes.” Perfectionism says, “If I don’t control everything, I’ll lose my worth.”
For high-achieving women in demanding careers, this distinction can blur so seamlessly that the pursuit of excellence turns into self-surveillance.
The Psychology of Competence vs. Perfectionism
1. Competence Is Mastery-Oriented; Perfectionism Is Fear-Oriented
Competence is grounded in curiosity, growth, and the desire to improve. Perfectionism is driven by anxiety—the belief that worth is conditional. Psychologist Paul Hewitt describes this as self-oriented perfectionism, where performance standards become inseparable from self-esteem (Hewitt & Flett, 1991).
2. Competence Expands Self-Trust; Perfectionism Shrinks It
Competence strengthens confidence through feedback and adaptation. Perfectionism, in contrast, narrows your tolerance for uncertainty. You become hyper-focused on preventing error instead of expanding skill.
3. Competence Allows Mistakes; Perfectionism Pathologizes Them
Mistakes in competence-based thinking are part of learning. In perfectionism, mistakes are moral failures. Even minor criticism triggers shame because the inner narrative equates error with inadequacy.
4. Competence Is Sustainable; Perfectionism Is Fragile
Competence builds resilience through experience. Perfectionism creates burnout through rigidity. Research links maladaptive perfectionism to anxiety, depression, and emotional exhaustion across high-achieving populations (Smith et al., 2022).
The Social Reinforcement of Perfectionism
Many women in leadership internalize perfectionism through social mirroring—being rewarded for precision and punished for imperfection. The cultural script says, “You can lead, but only flawlessly.”
Perfectionism becomes a defensive strategy against gendered scrutiny. You work twice as hard to avoid being labeled careless, emotional, or “unprofessional.” This pressure breeds emotional fatigue, even when outwardly successful.
Over time, you may lose touch with intrinsic motivation. You’re not striving toward something meaningful—you’re running from potential disappointment.
The Emotional Toll
- Constant Tension: Your nervous system remains hyper-alert, scanning for mistakes.
- Chronic Self-Doubt: Praise feels temporary; criticism feels permanent.
- Emotional Detachment: You struggle to enjoy accomplishments—they’re relief, not joy.
- Exhaustion Without Satisfaction: Success feels like maintenance, not fulfillment.
This isn’t ambition—it’s anxiety in disguise.
How to Recalibrate from Perfectionism to Competence
1. Reframe “Doing Well” as “Learning Well”
Shift focus from “Did I do it right?” to “What did I learn from doing it?” Competence thrives in iteration, not flawlessness.
2. Examine the Fear Beneath the Standard
Ask yourself: What am I afraid would happen if I relaxed this standard by 10%? The answer often reveals the emotional root—fear of rejection, loss of control, or judgment.
3. Build Tolerance for “Good Enough”
Practice intentional imperfection in low-stakes contexts: send an email without rereading it three times; delegate a task without editing afterward. Your nervous system learns that imperfection doesn’t equal danger.
4. Separate Your Identity from Your Output
You are not the sum of your deliverables. Competence is about skill. Perfectionism confuses performance with personhood.
5. Redefine Excellence
Excellence is not doing everything perfectly—it’s doing what matters most with integrity, presence, and adaptability.
Closing Thoughts
Competence empowers; perfectionism imprisons. The more you chase flawless, the less you trust yourself to handle imperfect.
If you’re tired of holding yourself to impossible standards—if achievement has become synonymous with anxiety—therapy can help you rebuild confidence grounded in self-trust, not self-surveillance. Ready to explore what excellence looks like when it’s no longer exhausting? Book your first session today, and let’s begin disentangling competence from perfectionism.
Book your appointment here
Works Cited
Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456–470. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.60.3.456
Smith, M. M., Sherry, S. B., & Vidovic, V. (2022). Adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism: Examining the structure and function of high standards and discrepancy. Journal of Research in Personality, 97, 104206. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2022.104206
Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2019). Perfectionism: A growing concern for students and professionals. Psychological Bulletin, 145(4), 410–429. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul000019
