Why Leading Strongly Often Feels Like Losing Something — And How to Navigate That Tension
You’ve earned the role, held the title, taken on the responsibility. You carry decision-weight, you’re accountable, you are trusted to lead. And yet inside you may feel a tug: If I show up fully in my authority, I risk being disliked. Or conversely: If I soften for likability, I risk being invisible.
For high-achieving women in high-stakes careers, this internal conflict is not just psychological—it’s relational, structural, and deeply felt. The expectation of authority collides with the expectation of likability in ways that men rarely face. In this article, we’ll explore where this conflict comes from, how it plays out in your work-life and psyche, why it’s especially salient for you, and how you can find a way through where you lead with strength and connection—without the inner trade-off.
Where the Conflict Starts
1. Role-Congruity & Gendered Leadership Norms
The theory of role congruity explains: leadership is culturally associated with agentic traits (assertiveness, decisiveness); women culturally are expected to be communal (warmth, caring). When a woman displays high authority she may be perceived as violating expected gender norms—and thus less likable. Conversely, if she emphasises likability she may be perceived as less competent. Research reports: “The more competent a woman is, the less likable she is judged to be.” (Clayman Institute for Gender Research)
2. The Likeability Penalty
Studies show that women leaders who behave assertively or decisively are more likely than men to be labelled “bossy” or “abrasive,” even when performance is equal. (Fearless) This phenomenon forces many high-achieving women into either tolerating being unseen or softening their style to be liked—which often means compromising authority or clarity.
3. Internalised Messages & Early Adaptation
Many of my clients tell stories of early feedback: “Be good, be helpful, don’t make waves,” or “You’re smart, but you must always be nice.” Over years this embeds a script: My value = being liked + being competent. The collision happens when authority demands pushing boundaries, taking tough decisions, and risking disapproval.
4. Structural and Organisational Dynamics
Organisation cultures often reward decisiveness and performance—but may penalise relational cost. When you assert authority you may trigger discomfort in those who expected you to be likeable, smooth, relational. The tension becomes a relational risk, not just a psychological one. One analysis of gender stereotypes in leadership found female leaders’ characteristics were evaluated more negatively when agentic. (PMC)
How This Conflict Plays Out for You
- You hesitate to make a directive decision because part of you wonders: Will I lose the relational ground I built? Will they like me less?
- You soften your message (“let’s consider this option together”) when what you really know is a firm decision is needed—because you fear backlash if you are too directive.
- You get labelled “too soft” or “too tough” depending on how you behave—and neither label feels right.
- You feel exhausted managing not just the work but the optics: “How do they see me? Am I still liked? Am I still respected?”
- You hold yourself to impossible dual standards: being warm and relational and being strong and authoritative. When you can’t wholly deliver both, you feel inadequate.
- You may pull back from being fully visible or fully authoritative to protect likability, and the cost is either reduced impact or internal conflict.
Why This Tension Is Especially Strong for High-Achieving Women in High-Stakes Roles
- You’re already visible; your authority matters; the stakes are high. The margin for relational error feels small.
- Success often demands agentic behaviours (taking charge, leading change, driving results)—but organisational cultures may implicitly penalise women for the same behaviours they celebrate in men.
- You may carry extra relational and emotional labour by virtue of your gender: smoothing teams, keeping morale, bridging gaps. That means when you step fully into authority you may leave relational labour undone—or you’re doing double labour (authority + emotional/relational).
- The price of mis-labelling (as unlikeable) often feels higher for you than for many men. You may believe you have less slack. That keeps you in the self-regulating zone rather than the full-authority zone.
How to Navigate the Tension: Leading Authentically Without Self-Sacrifice
1. Clarify Your Dual Intentions
Ask yourself: What kind of leader do I want to be? Affirm that you want to lead with standards and clarity, and that you want to lead with connection and presence. Naming both explicitly shifts away from false dichotomy.
2. Re-Define “Likability” on Your Terms
Likability doesn’t mean being liked by everyone or avoiding discomfort. It means being respected for who you are, not for who you are forced to become. Start calibrating: “Do they trust me? Do they follow me? Do I honour my values?” vs. “Do they like me?”
3. Language & Frame Matters
When you make decisions, frame them with relational intent: “We’re choosing this because we commit to X for the team,” or “Here’s the standard we set so everyone can succeed—and I want your support.” This anchors your authority in shared purpose rather than a power-over posture.
4. Build Systems & Allies That Support Your Authority
You don’t lead in isolation. Cultivating peers, mentors, sponsorship, and relational support helps buffer the emotional cost of authority. When you have others who explicitly recognise your authority, the burden is lighter.
5. Monitor Your Internal Self-Talk
Notice when you soften because you fear disapproval: “If I’m too firm they’ll dislike me.” Replace with: “If I’m unclear they’ll be uncertain.” When you act from purpose rather than from fear of likability you step toward authentic authority.
6. Redefine Mistakes & Feedback
When you receive feedback like “You’re too direct,” examine: Is the feedback about relational comfort or about clarity and performance? Be discerning. Let relational softness matter—but not at the cost of authority clarity.
7. Practice Release Rituals
When you move out of relational trying (seeking to please) into authority enactment (speaking the truth, making the call), give yourself a ritual of release: a short pause, a check-in with your body, affirmation that you served something larger than yourself—and then move on. This helps your nervous system move out of “performance + people-pleasing” into “leadership + presence.”
Closing Thoughts
The internal conflict between authority and likability is real—and for high-achieving women in high-stakes careers, it is often a quiet, persistent underminer of leadership presence, career satisfaction and well-being. You deserve to lead powerfully and relationally—not as a compromise but as your most authentic form.
If you feel the tension every time you step into authority, if you soften when you intend to stand firm, or if you feel unseen because you’re bending toward likability—book your first session today. Let’s explore how you can honour both your leadership and your relational self, so that your authority doesn’t cost you your authenticity.
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Works Cited
Correll, S. J., & others. (2013). Women leaders: does likability really matter? Stanford Center for the Study of Women in Society. (Clayman Institute for Gender Research)
Tremmel, M., & Wahl, I. (2023). Gender stereotypes in leadership: Analyzing the content and evaluation of stereotypes about typical, male, and female leaders. Frontiers in Psychology, 14:1034258. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2023.1034258. (PMC)
Costigan, A. (2024, Feb 16). Infographic The Double-Bind Dilemma for Women in Leadership. (catalyst.org)
Dasari, A. (2024). Why can’t women be ambitious and likable? University of Illinois Blog. (blogs.illinois.edu)
